With Alexandra Eidens, founder of The Big Life Journal 

If you’ve ever seen your kiddo crumple up a piece of home-work because they didn’t get an answer exactly right, or if they’re too nervous to do something in case they don’t nail it, they might be struggling with perfectionism. It can be worrying to see your kids be self-critical or scared of making mistakes, but the good news is, they can learn to be more flexible and resilient when things go wrong. Appreciating the benefit of mistakes and being willing to try new things is a crucial part of leading a healthy life. We spoke to Alexandra Eidens, the founder of The Big Life Journal, to learn strategies for helping kids be more open to taking risks, and not be hard on themselves if they mess up. After all, nobody’s perfect, and that’s what makes us all so wonderfully human. 

7 Strategies to Help Kids Conquer Perfectionism

1. Redefine Success 

2. Challenge Their Thinking

3. Explain the Brain Muscle

4. Talk About Your Mistakes

5. Focus on Learning From Mistakes

6. Reframe Grades

7. Encourage Self-Compassion

1. Redefine Success

When your kid makes a mistake, use it as a chance to brainstorm different approaches to try next time. If kids start to view mistakes as opportunities rather than disappointments, they’ll be far more likely to take risks and branch out. Emphasise that success isn’t about getting it perfectly right the very first time. It’s about trying new things, failing, then figuring out a new plan. Teach your kids about growth mindset, which is the ability to improve our intelligence and abilities with effort, practice, and strategies. If we view being successful as a result of this approach, we are more likely to develop our potential. 

2. Challenge Their Thinking

Kids who struggle with perfectionism tend to be unforgiving and focus only on the negatives. When your kid’s upset because they didn’t get it ‘just right’, stay calm and make use of the chance to be patient and understanding. Be empathetic to their situation and acknowledge how tough it is to feel that way. Then, when your kiddo is more settled, encourage them to reflect on their way of thinking. Asking the following three questions can be helpful: 

• What’s the worst thing that could happen? 

• What’s a more positive way to think about this? 

• What part of my problem could I solve now?  

3. Explain the Brain Muscle

Just like you can build muscles with physical exercise, we can strengthen our brains by facing challenges. Let your kiddos know that their brains have the amazing ability to grow and develop. Brains can change and learn from new experiences. In fact, messing up is an essential part of the learning process! When we make mistakes, our brains spark and create new connections, allowing us to actually learn faster. Kids should be encouraged to ‘grow their brains’ by trying new things and using effort and persistence to learn anything they want to. 

4.Talk About Your Mistakes

It’s really good for kids to know that you’re not perfect either. Everyone makes mistakes, and we often learn more from our failures than our successes. If your little one is setting unrealistic self-expectations, try pointing out your own imperfections as they occur, and role model how to handle it well. If you added too much flour to a recipe, or if you burnt your toast, vocalise the error in a relaxed way and have a positive attitude about it. Same goes for if you lose your cool. Make sure to apologise and acknowledge you made a mistake. This sends a message to your kids that we can admit to having messed up, and still be okay. 

5. Focus on Learning From Mistakes

Instead of ignoring or shying away from addressing errors, give your kids a chance to figure out what went wrong. Explore and brainstorm together to see what different approaches could be made next time. Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of a mistake, encourage your kids to pay close attention to the chance for growth. 

6. Reframe Grades

Test scores and grades can often bring anxiety, stress, and self-esteem issues. Make sure to have a chat with your kids about how they are so much more than a test score. Grades are not a reflection of who your kids are. They’re simply a marker of where they are at the moment, and should not be viewed as a predictor of your kid’s future (regardless of whether the grade is ‘good’ or ‘bad’). It’s useful to help your kids see that grades offer us a chance to review how we learn, and see if there are different strategies that might be beneficial for different subjects. Focus on the effort your kids put in, rather than the performance ‘result’. This way they’ll be more motivated by the experience than the outcome. 

7. Encourage Self-Compassion

As parents, it’s pretty common to remind our kids to be kind to others. But it’s equally as important to make sure our kids are kind to themselves. Self-compassion is a crucial part of resilience when facing failure. The very foundation of raising kind kids is rooted in self-kindness, and this empathy for ourselves makes it possible to brush ourselves off and keep on truckin’ when we fall down. 

Speaking with Alexandra reminded us that we could all stand to put a little less pressure on ourselves. Particularly during this Pandemic, when we’re all handling a lot more than usual, it’s good to remember that we don’t have to get everything exactly right. Becoming more flexible and forgiving with ourselves will benefit both kids and parents, and will lead to boosting everyone’s overall happiness. 

Alexandra Eidens is the co-founder of Big Life Journal. Alexandra and her team help children develop a growth, resilient mindset so they can face life’s challenges with confidence. With their engaging and fun journals and printables kits, children develop high self-esteem and learn they can achieve anything they want out of life!