3 Ways to build self-confidence in kids.
With Confidence Coach Kevin Burch
Parents naturally want the best for their kids, and regardless of varying parenting styles, most parents can all agree that raising happy kids is a common goal. Self-confidence is tied to happiness, and most parents want to see their kids approach life with self-confidence, without letting fear or self-doubt get in the way.
The word “confidence” literally means “with trust”, so if parents want to raise confident kids, it’s essential that kids trust themselves. The question, of course, is what parenting styles can achieve this. We spoke with Confidence Coach Kevin Burch, who runs unique, tailored programmes that help kids let go of anxieties, doubts, and worries, and realise their true potential through increased inner strength and self-belief. Kevin shared several parenting strategies that help build self-confidence in kids.
3 Ways to build self-confidence in kids:
Let them be
Support them
Challenge them
1. Let them be
Kids develop confidence in their abilities when they get to explore their own limits. Protecting children is a natural instinct for many parents, but some parenting styles can be too overprotective, which disempowers kids by over-supporting them. Kids will never establish and trust their own limits if they are constantly kept under oppressive watch. Increasing self-confidence in part has to do with allowing kids to be kids. When young children start giving their opinion, even if it’s an outrageous one, parents can reflect it back rather than telling them what to think. For example, you might say: “Oh, you think that, do you? Ok.” If kids are always corrected, they may start to not trust themselves, and assume they always need input from others. Parents need to help kids feel that their opinions are valid, so they remain confident in speaking their minds.
This goes along with allowing kids to take risks, within reason. Let them climb trees. Let them decide when they’re hot, cold, thirsty or hungry. Parents can be coaches for their kids, rather than micro-managing every single situation. If your parenting styles encourage kids to trust in their own capabilities (within the boundaries of safe and reasonable rules), they’ll learn to flex their self-trust muscles and build self-confidence. Adopting these types of supportive but not overbearing parenting styles can lead to happy kids whose self-confidence blossoms.
Practical examples of how to let kids be:
4-7 year-olds: Let kids decide whether they’re hot, cold, need the loo, etc.
8-12 year-olds: Let kids do things without adult supervision, like going to the shops and buying things and coming back with change.
2. Support them
Parents need to be a refuge and safe haven for their kids. Employ parenting styles that let kids know you have confidence in them, and that you believe in their competence and intentions. Rather than focusing solely on the results your children achieve, raising confident kids is about adopting parenting styles that praise and reward effort and a willingness to learn. Be a cheerleader for your kids when they try hard. If they fail, don’t let them wallow in self pity, but rather help them discover the learning opportunities (which will in turn boost self-confidence).
Praise application, persistence, resilience, determination, and hard work — whether kids actually achieve the result or not. Kids who are praised purely for achievement struggle more when they hit a challenging time. But kids who are praised for effort and persistence tend to continue making an effort even when they stumble — an extremely valuable life skill that’s directly linked to self-confidence.
Practical examples of how to support kids:
4-7 year-olds: Support kids to self-soothe. For example, if they get hurt, hug them and also have them say: “I’ll be alright. I’m ok.”
8-12 year-olds: Support kids in adversity by sharing your own stories of struggles and overcoming.
3. Challenge them
Some parents may want to keep kids safe all the time, but in doing so, kids are robbed of the opportunity to discover their own capabilities. Challenging kids to stretch themselves is one of the most useful parenting styles to nurture self-confidence. Let kids experience failure, frustration and fear. Let kids feel the pain of losing, and help them understand that they can carry on. Encourage kids to do things that step beyond their comfort zones, like taking on hard maths questions, or playing someone who is better at tennis, or ordering for themselves at a restaurant. Happy kids are not the ones who are most protected and kept “safe”. Rather, happy kids are the ones who dare to try hard things, and who in doing so, build their resilience. If parents don’t let kids develop the ability to stand on their own two feet, the reality is that when they go off to university or face difficult real-world challenges, they’ll lack the skills and self-confidence to survive and thrive.
Practical examples of how to challenge kids:
4-7 year-olds: Challenge kids to climb higher at the playground.
8-12 year-olds: Have kids order for themselves at restaurants, and if adults talk to your kids, let them answer for themselves rather than jumping in – even if it seems like a long wait!
Self-confidence is one of the most powerful emotional skills parents can help kids to develop, and creating a foundation of confidence can lead to a more fulfilling life. Speaking with Kevin reminded us that raising confident kids is achievable in doable, actionable ways. We hope these strategies can help to support your parenting styles at home and that they lead to increased self-confidence and happiness in your family.
When Kevin was born his mother was just 16, and by the time of his 18th birthday she had been divorced three times. Partly as a result of this chaotic childhood, Kevin began studying psychology books when very young, but despite advanced degrees and graduating from one of the top universities in the world, he found himself aged 40, divorced and in almost six figures of personal debt. For the sake of his daughter and of himself, he then resolved to clear up his emotional baggage, turn his life around and give both his daughter and his child and teenage Confidence Coaching clients, at www.skyhighconfidence.com, the advice and guidance he wished he’d had growing up. Now in his 50’s, he is happily married to a beautiful doctor, has a great relationship with his daughter who is wise beyond her years, and has helped thousands of children — and parents — to build both their self-esteem and their toolkit for life, so that they too can thrive in the years and decades ahead. You can access his free online video course in Advanced Parenting at www.giveyourchildtheedge.com