3 Strategies to Help Sibling Rivalry
With Clinical Psychologist and Author Dr. Laura Markham
As any parent of siblings can understand, it can be playful and peaceful one minute, and a chaotic battlefield the next. Siblings can go from being best friends to enemies in a heartbeat, and it can be challenging for parents to know how to address the stressful situation and help each sibling to develop conflict resolution skills.
We spoke to acclaimed author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids and founder of the popular website Aha Parenting!, Clinical Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, to learn several strategies to help diffuse sibling rivalry and promote sibling harmony.
The first thing to note is that parents can’t prevent all sibling fights, and in fact, it’s a normal part of every human relationship. Sibling rivalry can actually teach kids to learn how to express their needs, set boundaries, and problem-solve. That said, parents can definitely help to guide kids to reduce discord and build a more constructive household environment.
3 Strategies to Help Sibling Rivalry:
Regulate Your Own Emotions
Stay Connected
Coach Kids Instead of Controlling Them
1. Regulate Your Own Emotions
One of the first steps in addressing sibling rivalry is to calm yourself, so you can de-escalate the drama between your children. Kids will react to conflict the way you do, so make sure you’re calm before trying to address sibling rivalry. Kids also need parents who role model how to repair and recover, so if you do lose your cool, make sure to stop, take a breath, acknowledge your mistakes, apologise, and make an effort to do better next time. This teaches siblings that even if they lose their temper, there’s space to stop and readjust their behaviour.
2. Stay Connected
How you parent each child individually has a profound impact on how siblings relate to each other. Parents need to stay connected to all of their kids, and shower affection on each child. Make sure to have special one-on-one time with each child daily. If each child feels genuinely treasured and appreciated, then the resentment and jealousy that leads to sibling rivalry will be diminished.
Find fun ways to connect with kids, like roughhousing, which not only brings in active fun for parents and kids, but also helps release pent-up stress that might otherwise be unleashed on siblings. Laughter is another great way to connect with kids, since it creates the bonding hormone oxytocin, and strips away people’s defences. Anytime siblings are having a hard time getting along, try doing something extra silly to make them laugh, as that will instantly make things so much better.
3. Coach Kids Instead of Controlling Them
Instead of trying to control kids, parents need to acknowledge their feelings and emotions so that kids can handle them in a constructive way. Try to see the situation from each child’s perspective and acknowledge what each child feels and needs. Kids sometimes need to express how they feel, even if parents might not like hearing it. Empathise with each child, as this is critical in helping parents develop a bond with kids. Parents can help each sibling express the underlying cause of their anger, so they can discover the root of the issue and resolve it without burying emotions that might lead to resentment and sibling rivalry.
If a child believes their feelings are validated and heard, they will be more likely to work with you to solve a problem. Parents need to have open communication with kids, so that they feel their concerns are affirmed. For example, if a child says “I wish we could send the baby back,” instead of telling them to stop talking like that, a parent could acknowledge their feelings. Letting kids know that they can always come to you and explain how they truly feel, even if it means expressing jealousy, allows them to work through their emotions so they can actually feel closer to their sibling.
In terms of discipline, parents should offer firm but loving guidance, not punishments. A household revolving around punishments actually increases sibling rivalry. When fights do occur, parents should not take sides. Instead, parents should try to coach siblings through collaborative problem solving.
It’s also helpful to teach kids self-calming strategies for when they get angry. Try breathing exercises, or get moving with some dance moves or jumping jacks, or try asking each sibling to colour or do a craft.
The overall goal here is to make your home peaceful, and make it a place where siblings can co-exist and get their needs met. Sibling rivalry is common in many families, but the best way to address it is with love. Speaking with Dr. Laura reminded us that kids don’t need everything they want — they mostly need someone to love and attend to their feelings. If sibling rivalry can be met with empathy, compassion and care, parents can eventually cultivate a wonderful relationship between their kids. We hope these strategies will help parents to create a family environment that allows siblings to flourish and thrive.
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: HowTo Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life, and now her latest book, The Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook: Using mindfulness and connection to raise resilient, joyful children and rediscover your love of parenting.
Dr. Laura Markham earned her PhD in clinical psychology at Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless families across the world. Over 150,000 moms and dads enjoy Dr. Laura’s free weekly coaching posts via email. You can sign up on any page of her website, AhaParenting.com, which serves up Aha! Moments for parents of babies through teens. Dr. Laura’s aspiration is to change the world, one child at a time, by supporting parents. The proud mother of two thriving young adults who were raised with her peaceful parenting approach, she lives with her husband in New York.